Psychologists tell us that there are stages to grief. One of those is anger. Anger and depression are two responses to heartache. It begins with a loss or disappointment. All of us have expectations on how life should progress. We make goals and plans and work toward a particular outcome. When those expectations are not met or worse when those expectations are crushed we blame someone for the disappointment. This is a process that works itself out over and over throughout our lifetime. Our response determines our growth or lack thereof. Through this process we learn coping skills. Generally speaking the intensity of the heartache and disappointment determines the intensity of the response.
When we blame ourselves we sink into depression and self loathing. (We will address this in later posts.) When we blame someone else we experience anger and bitterness. A humorous example would be that of a student learning to play a musical instrument. One student hitting a sour note over and over might get discouraged and proclaim that they cannot learn this instrument! It is too hard for them! A second student might blame the instrument. Stupid violin! And even throw the instrument across the room. The response is based upon where they place the blame.
If you are dealing with a heart breaking situation, you will experience anger. Anger is a natural and God given response. The Bible does not tell us to never be angry. It tells us to be angry and sin not. There are many things in life that should evoke anger. Have you heard of the fight or flight response? Anger is the fight response. It gives us strength and energy to fight for survival. We are not intended to live in this state of anger. It must be dealt with and discharged.
The Bible teaches us to live a Spirit controlled life, not an emotion controlled life. Uncontrolled, inappropriate anger is indeed sin. Anger that leads us to act in a sinful manner is not under control.
Be ye angry and sin not. Go ahead and admit that you are angry. Once you give yourself permission to be angry you can then honestly admit the object of your anger. Many times I have heard a grieving spouse say, “I am so angry at him/her for leaving me!” In my own life, there have been times when I had to admit that I was really angry with God! You may feel foolish, but there is nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel, even if they are not there to hear you tell them. And there is nothing wrong with telling God you are angry. Pour out your complaint. Discharge the emotion through your words and tears.
When we do not acknowledge and address our anger it builds. There was a period of time in my life when I dealt with intense anger. My loss came after years of effort and sacrifice. With all my heart I would forgive and yield myself to God for His healing, but now and then an incident would bring it all back to the surface. I wish I could tell you that there was a simple once and for all means to dissipate your anger. There is not. It is a process. Recognize the real object of your anger and address it honestly. You will learn much about forgiveness and we will address this in a later post. For now be honest with yourself.
A word of caution for those trying to comfort a grieving friend; anger is a natural response. If you are close to someone who is grieving be prepared to become the object of their anger. The more they trust you and the more they deny the real source of their anger, the more likely they will be to direct it toward you. This is not a time to ‘reason’ with them, or to ‘defend’ yourself. Give them space to deal with their anger. If you insert yourself at a time when they are sorting through this emotion, they may do and say things they and you will regret and this only delays the healing process. What they need the most is your prayers. I once told a very angry friend, “I am not your enemy. You have an enemy and it isn’t me.” Then I left them alone to deal with the real issues.
I knew I was healing when my sense of humor returned. I remember a rude driver making an obscene gesture at a stop light. In an instant I slammed my car into park and unbuckled my seat belt and had my hand on the door handle. I was ready to drag him out of his vehicle! And suddenly I saw the humor in the situation. That man, whoever he was, probably spent his life bullying other people. To him being rude was a way of life and he really thought nothing of it. To me it was Pearl Harbor! . He did not expect me to react at all. My own reaction struck me as very funny as I imagined myself kicking and clawing a perfect stranger in the middle of a busy intersection! (But for good measure I took out my cell phone and held it up to him and acted like I was calling 911. He drove away much less aggressively.)
Direct your anger at the real source of suffering and pain, sin. I hate divorce. I hate lying. I hate drunkenness. I hate adultery. These things and more destroy dreams and ruin lives. Where I can and when I can I fight against sin. Direct your anger where it can do some good.
More next post on directing anger.
Help for Hurting Hearts 